Our physical homes have psychological correlates. If we can take it easy, kick off our shoes, relax and regenerate at home, we are likely to be a secure personality. Secure people have good boundaries, so visitors are allowed in and allowed out. A situation where anybody can just walk right in and make themselves at home is worrying; on the other hand, walled in behind a fortress is too far the other way. This is a psychological metaphor as well as describing our physical homes. Secure people have boundaries that are permeable and people are welcome to come in at our invitation and clearly some people, perhaps members of our family for example, might have an open invitation. Other people are never allowed in.
We think of home as offering safety and happiness. Secure personalities feel good on the inside and have confidence that the world is a good place. As children are growing up, if parents and other carers respond sensitively and accurately to them, providing a safe emotional haven, this becomes internalised. Hard feelings are attended to and made better so they are not such a worry, and a secure person knows that it is all right to ask for help. Life is not perfect all of the time, and a rounded personality , one with flaws and failings as well as strengths and skills, is all right. People like this can really enjoy psychotherapy. It is an opportunity to go deeply into thoughts and feelings, to grow and develop, and sometimes to make major life changes.
But what if home doesn’t feel good? What if it is full of arguments; or if there is no one in and it feels empty? What if it has to be so perfect that there is never a moment to sit down and enjoy it – it has become an endless list of jobs? What if strange people come in and out and you’re not sure what’s going on? These sets of feelings will obviously affect the formation of a child, but they can be just as prevalent in lives of adults. We might be describing an insecure personality here – someone who is afraid to let go and who has to be on guard lest something bad happens. People often come to counselling wanting to improve their self esteem and inner confidence. The therapist and client work on particular things happening in the outside world whilst I am also paying attention to the inside world, for example noticing how it is possible for a person to be at home in my consulting room.
I once had a patient who said, ‘Look at that carpet. It’s absolutely filthy!’ followed in the very next session by a different patient who said: ‘Your home is so immaculate. You couldn’t possibly relate to all of my chaos’. Now I think that the truth lies somewhere between filthy and immaculate, but the point is that these people were revealing something of their inner world to me in these comments (called projection in psychological terms) and we were able to think about deeper meanings in due course.
Homecoming can become a constellation of meanings and associations. It can mean a return to oneself; arriving at a new place; dying; enjoying some peace and quiet. It can mean all sorts of things and not infrequently it makes an appearance in the time and space of my consulting room. Come and see for yourself.
Psychotherapy and Counselling 